I didn’t grow up eating sugar. It wasn’t something I was allowed to consume for a variety of reasons, one of them being that my household is incredibly strict in strange ways. A taste for it wasn’t something I developed until about three years ago , and that just meant a pack of Starburst here and there, maybe some sugar in my coffee but usually not.

Then… I gave up drinking about a year ago and my sugar consumption skyrocketed.

My body produces very little dopamine and seems to be hell-bent on finding anything that will stimulate the release of that precious chemical to make me feel alive. According to research, people low and dopamine crave sugar. So, I’m like, pounding gummy bears, Jelly Bellies, Starburst. Anything high-sugar and fruit flavored that I can get my hands on. It’s way extra at this point.

I have to let it go, but I will give myself the allowance for a pack of Starburst here and there, because I genuinely love that shit like a friend. It’s my ride or die candy, ever since I smelled a Starburst wrapper as a kid.

Giving up alcohol was hard. It was an absolute necessity but it was incredibly difficult. Giving up sugar is likely to be just as difficult, so cross them digits for me, y’all.

I more or less made some New Year’s resolutions: I’m not going into list format with this but:

2018 was the year that I tremendous effort and painful, precious time diving into myself; understanding what I believe, who I am, where my magic comes from. I accepted that spirituality and maybe even religion are important to my life, and I’m creating my own path as a spiritual person, as a pagan, as a Jew. I am reconciling myself with the pain that I experience in my body and the front that it might never go away. I have accepted the way that trauma has shaped my mind, and I am working to forge new synaptic pathways. I worked very hard to understand how to communicate with my husband better. I reconnected with my closest friend after a terrible friend break up about 2 years ago.

2019 is the year of implementation and change. There are people in my life who see my past and remind me that that is who they think I am. To that I’m going to say, I will not allow your opinion to become my reality. I am creating my changes, regardless of your desire to see them. This year I’ve chosen to live in my own power and have my own life ordered the way that works for me

So yeah, goodbye sugar, goodbye complaining about where I live, goodbye revolving my world around other people.

Hello, change and the implementation thereof. Hello, going to synagogue. Hello meditation, welcome, goal of reading 50 books a year. Come through, looking at my body in the mirror with love instead of hate or resignation . Hello, finding effective ways of protesting and resisting the current government. Welcome expanding my horizons and stretching out more into San Francisco. I’m also just going to not hide aspects of who I Am anymore, in order to facilitate connection with other people.

Now, I’m going to drink my coffee out of my Starbucks mug, covered in Portland coffee shop stickers and read my Chuck Palahniuk book. After rush hour starts, I’ll start driving Lyft.

Have an excellent day, you fabulous motherfuckers. Stay golden. And get the hell away from my Starburst or I will cut you.

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