Light wash jeans, O.H.I.O

Last night I has a dream about you,in New Zealand.

I was doing something in the dirt, probably planting as I often do in dreams,but I was watching you playing with someone or something and I woke up overcome by how happy I am for you,how proud of your life I am, in spite of how we don’t and maybe can’t communicate. It’ll be seven years since we last really saw one another and more than 10 since we met .

Some days on bikes across bridges in fogs or at long benches in neon-lit watering holes were I only write but no longer drink,I feel the ghost of us,planning big things you managed to carry out and then so much more,and I am happy. I’m sorry we each broke the other’s heart because we were water and air that made a hurricane.

I’m still not healthy like I wish I was. my insides of my brain were born sad, and my back pain looks like the *gosh darn night sky. Twenty doctors later,they still can’t give me a solid one answer,just a laundry list of physical issues, seemingly floating in isolation. I know my getting sick was hard on you and I remember that tribal scream as old as the place your blue eyes came from. I never stopped hurting,I just got better at hiding it,keeping few friends and plenty of people who think they know me as I lean across the service side of a bar,or have a conversation from the driver’s seat of Lyft.

We could’ve been better to each other. We could’ve been more honest,both of us,but mostly me,the Best and The Worst thing.

I forgive you for pushing me to do the thing I’d have done anyway. You were right about how hard it was on me,and I hated you for how hard it was on my soul. It’s a hard choice to make, and you took the choice part away. I’m not sad for what we did,just how it went.

I’ve been a few people since then. All of them are proud of you, Kyle.

I’m moving to Sweden in August with my husband, leaving behind the only city who ever loved me as much as I loved it, and maybe that’s why you make wine in my dreamscapes right now, because I never got the goodbye down with you. I don’t day goodbye.

Maybe we’ll see each other another place,maybe not. Here’s to your life, hopefully full of blessings.

l’chaim.

Advertisements