Who invited all the damn crows

I dream almost every night, and for the past 3 months  I’ve tried with  a reasonable success rate to write down what happens when I’m asleep. This means that a black leather book lives beside my bed, it’s heart  filled with tiny scribbles of varying legibility, the messages running the gamut from seemingly symbol-Laden- probable gibberish, to complex storylines that feel like ghosts around the edges of my waking life. 
I write down my dreams in this book while my brain is in that hazy, San Francisco Fog State between asleep and awake  so I often have to go back and rewrite when fully awake. I feel like one’s brain starts to forget what happens in dream worlds very quickly so it’s important to do it as soon as possible.

Some patterns have emerged. I’ll highlight a few of them.

  • I dream about fully fleshed – out people with names. Sometimes I know them, often I don’t. 
  • I dream about sex  with women. (don’t we all) 
  • I dream in muted colours 
  • I have no idea what my face looks like, but I am very small, my hands remain the same: long, thin, and boney. Sometimes I am aware of my hair, which is long and in my way
  • I dream the same dreams often . Some of these dreams have been recurring since I was a child.
  • There are, so far as I can see, 5 worlds  that are connected to each other but don’t exist in the same time. They seem to be connected with a subway line of sorts that I can exit at any point, and the train is also a part of different times. My   real-life fascination with fashion seems to mean that my brain is created wardrobe as an identifier for time-period.The worlds are as follows :
  • An apartment where a number of people who reoccur in these dreams live. I don’t know how many floors it has but it seems endless and is More or less in the present. Sometimes there’s a fire pit in the common area. It’s very gray and always night. 
  • My own childhood time-period,during the late summer. 
  • A junkyard (I guess) but in a sort of soup ladle  shape, basically hanging in nothingness. 
  • The weird-ass Subway 
  • An old west construct.(this makes no sense because I have zero attachment to the Olde West, western films,ect. Even while I’m having the dream, I feel like “wtf is this corny ass shit”. 
  • Somewhere that that feels very old,  is slightly cold but not so cold that I am uncomfortable, and has no noticeable buildings. I have been inside structures on this world, but I couldn’t tell you what they look like from the outside. This is the one that bothers me because when I’m awake I feel like I remember it randomly and it makes me feel as that I’m out of time. It seems to be nothing  but trees and cliffs and I feel very very small, physically.

 Some other noticeable patterns are these:( at this point I’m going to point out that I practice lucid dreaming so I have decent amount of control in some situations. I’m not great at it and I’m off and lazy and don’t try to use it) 

  • So many crows, why all the crows. Who invited those  assholes. 
  • I am completely capable of using the internet in my dreams. Or at least my phone. I don’t see the face of it or anything but I know that I’m using it
  • Sometimes there are clear messages that are just one sentence. Sometimes these repeat themselves and they always make no sense within the context of what’s Happening
  • The most noticeable is this. I am helping people in my dreams. I am always helping people do something, find something,  get somewhere, Etc. Sometimes I know them, usually I don’t. And often times it’s something sad. I realized  this a long time ago: That often the dreams that I dream don’t feel like my own. They feel like something I am doing for someone else,  whether or not I want to.

I’ll write more about this later. But I wanted to get the outline of how I’m dreaming out there first before writing about this further here. This probably seems strange to you, all this listening to what happens when I’m asleep  but as long as I can remember I have been dreaming dreams that that are big and strange and pointed and recurring.

Its 6:30 right now and I’m slightly jet-lagged. I desperately want to grind coffee but I also don’t want to wake up Alvin who is so peacefully asleep in the other room. I think I’ll probably just poked my head in there and see if he’s on his phone or not and if he is, then all bets are off. I’m grinding. It’s the second day of the new year, and I’m wishing  that you’re having the best  start to your year  possible ,  and maybe, maybe, I’m dreaming about you.

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Melatonin

Recently I started taking melatonin.  I don’t know that melatonin actually succeeds in helping me sleep, but then again I’ve taken actual sleep aids invented by doctors, so I feel like my view towards supplements can be a bit skewed. I take  a handful of supplements that have been proven to work by scientific research. After you’ve taken drugs that actually work you can’t go back to supplements and pretend they’re even remotely similar. They are fucking not.
At any rate, Gabba and melatonin are causing me truly  strange dreams that are boring in their usual-ness.

The dreams don’t tend to lean either  good or bad: They’re generally problem-solving scenarios.Basically, I’m trapped somewhere with some people and I have to help them get out of the situation. It tends to be incredibly stressful,  the Landscapes are strange and there’s an Ex thrown  in there that I can’t actually talk to easily.

Last night’s abstraction was loosely about wine labels. Basically,  I was running a business on what seemed to be another planet, and the same ex that always shows up in stress dreams showed up and was vaguely denunciatory. (maybe? It could be I just always worried he was?)  I’m attempting to defend my product while also not looking defensive and being genuinely happy to see this person, there is a massive fucking earthquake.

Cue the rest of the dream which is trying to get a person I have a difficult time communicating with out of a dangerous situation, while trying to find Alvin.

I’m sure that the specific ex-boyfriend shows  up in my brain because I feel some guilt over that relationship. A lot, really. You don’t always get to go back and say what you’d like, nor should you.

He’s always much, much taller than his reality, like a giant, as people tend to become in memories. As far as the stress dreams are concerned, this is literally been pretty much every dreams was my childhood . just a Labyrinth of anxiety and flop sweat set against a sexy topographical map of “aaaaaggghhh”, and then I wake up.

It’s Tuesday. That means I work in the evening. I woke up at 7:30 this morning without the assistance of Hades Yodeling to the cat-gods,and made Alvin French-toast with bread that I’d actually made, but sadly is too dry for my liking. Now, I’m sitting , trying in vain to stretch my ass-muscles out before going to the gym.

You’re welcome for the visual.

saturated

The moon drips down into my soul and her light illuminates places and moments  I’ve tucked away for my own protection. In the easy plateau between asleep and fully awake there are memories that can be accessed by my nearly-conscious mind.( or is it my soul, because I believe that’s both a time as well as a place)When I fully wake I am so heavy with the knowledge of my life, dear and bad, I am sure for a minute that I glow, pregnant with silver-blue light.

I’m waking up with my coffee and the moonlight’s fading away, but some little thoughts stick to me.

 

~i am not made for suburbia

~have I been so many different people, so many times that when I sleep my soul splits its self into pieces, only to  reconvene in the morning?

~ i remember where I lost a doll under a couch , a tan/brown overstuffed one in a living room long dismantled, but the moment is forever preserved, screenshotted.